Little scenario for you...
I punch you in the arm. It doesn't feel very good at all, so you ask me not to do that again. I agree. Problem resolved, right?
A while later, I punch you in the arm again. Irritating, yes? Again, you ask me not to do that, and again I agree. Problem resolved, right?
A while later, I punch you in the arm again. What the fuck?? This time, you tell me not to do that again. I acknowledge. Problem resolved, right?
Later still, I punch you in the arm again...
Now, despite that I'm doing the same action, do you feel the same level of anger towards me each time? Not likely. Chances are that you're going to pick up when you left off the previous time. Your responses are likely going to be more and more severe the longer this goes on.
Pretty standard, as far as I know.
Well, this is where I'm at. I ended up getting quite angry in a short time over a repeat issue (no, not getting punched in the arm...). I broke - shattered - a large glass table top with focused frustration. Shards were everywhere. Cops were called. I was given the choice of leaving with nowhere to go, or being taken "forcefully" to jail. Go me.
I hate that things are where they are. I hate the lack of resolution. Moreso, I hate talking it out and thinking that there is a resolution, and finding out later that there really isn't; that the issue just comes up again... and again... and again, each time thinking that maybe - maybe - this time will be different. Maybe this time, it will really mean something.
Most of all, I hate that I'm feeling this way. That things have come so far that I feel the need to do something that extreme in order for my concerns to have a chance to be taken seriously.
Y'know, I think things were easier when everything was buried; when expression was the exception rather than the norm. Got tired of hearing about how I needed to be more expressive, say what's on my mind. Look where it's going... all things have a dark side, and this one's coming out in spades.
Logic tells me why these issues repeat; unfortunately, emotion and expression really don't care what the reasoning is. I'm really starting to question why I bothered working on "obtaining" the latter two; they don't seem to be doing much good.
On the menu: Friends & Family Support Group entree, perhaps with an Anger Management dessert depending on what the group comes up with.
The house still doesn't feel like home anymore. It's just a place that I own half of, on paper at least. It even looks different... just walls, just floors, just rooms. No magic. No comfort. No stability. No permanence. There's nothing there that they can't simply force me to leave.
Sabrina only seemed half-interested that I was home... sorta followed me around a couple of times, but then when I went to interact with her, she'd leave to do something else. Maybe that was just my own perception of it; feeling rather distant to everything, including her.
People have their own opinions, and should be able to express them. People in positions of authority, however, should perhaps watch what they say when it comes to negative criticism. Yes, I understand that he was just a human being, just another person; but the fact that he was a cop gave an edge to the words. They buried themselves in and took hold. This guy, I'm sure, has seen a lot of different situations; what if he was right?
The message: I'm a bad father. Children are better off with their mothers. "Isn't that right, Jaime..."
Awesome. Like I need more insecurity than society currently instills. Like I don't question myself enough already. Like I don't have a lot of other things to deal with; I need this too.
Sexist bullshit everywhere. Tired of it. Tired of reading it. Tired of hearing it. Tired of experiencing it. Perhaps I should just throw in the towel and accept it; bend over, grab my ankles.
"Oh, you have a penis? Hey Bill, this one's got a penis! Get the lube... on second thought, let's just go 'plain' on this one."
Beh, NIN this, NIN that, NIN is coming to town, yay for NIN. No, I have no desire to go see NIN.
Jumps at Saratoga went well. I'll be posting pictures once I get them; these ones should look pretty damned cool.
Possible new role coming up. Interview for it in a couple of weeks. I'll be sure to keep you up-to-date when it bombs.
Wow, pissy mood. Does it show much?
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK
You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean you're pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.
I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most effort to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais
AND FINALLY -- after you rate my test with a sweet, sweet '5' -- you must take this test next: The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Test. It's not mine, but it rocks.
|My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:|
|Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating|