Diskrepansi (diskrepansi) wrote,

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Warning: mood most foul...

Work isn't all that busy today, so I'm writing most of this during spare time here and there throughout the day.

I didn't date much in high school. In fact, I only "went out" (was serious with? I really don't like dating terminology... it tends to be inconsistent and inexact) with three girls throughout my 'high school career'. I wanted to be with someone "special"; to test the waters of friendship before dating, not date to test the waters, if that makes sense. While our friendship worked well, when it came to something more, my first two girlfriends just didn't "have it". Sandra, however, definitely did! I was drawn in and captivated - she was my first love. I was amazed by her... I couldn't believe she was with me - me of all people! I remember being so happy when we got promise rings. I remember being very upset that she was going to Saskatchewan that summer, and so relieved each time we talked on the phone. I remember being elated that she was coming back - I couldn't wait! I remember the disappointment when she was too busy to do anything, and how crushed, how totally devastated, I was when we no longer talked. I remember... no resolution, no closure.

Enough reminiscing. Let's move on to this morning now, shall we?

I wandered up the stairs of my grandma's house - a relatively long stairwell as far as those of the household variety go - to the kitchen on the main floor. I could hear voices in the living room, just off to my left as I reached the top of the stairs. They sounded familiar - impossibly so! They could not be here... I could not be here! I slowly entered the living room to find, seated in those old beige and brown chairs, my grandma having a conversation with Sandra. I simply couldn't believe my eyes. I hadn't seen either of them in years - Sandra moreso. Grandma saw that I was home, got out of her seat, quietly excused herself without saying a word to me directly, and wandered off into the dining room. I was ecstatic - how long, how many years, had it been? I quickly gave Sandra a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and we sat together on the loveseat. I was eager to catch up on all that life had offered since last we'd talked.

BZZT BZZT BZZT Jolted from my happy world, I fumbled to find the snooze button. If I could just get back fast enough, perhaps it would all return to me, all still be there! BZZT BZZT..... found it! Quickly, I settled back for my return trip, hoping that my desired destination would be waiting for me......

Whiteness. I was surrounded by whiteness. I'd found my way to Limbo, it seemed, to wait....

and wait...

BZZT BZZT BZZT Must go back! BZZT...... must go back...

After my fourth trip back to Limbo, the cat finally convinced me to get outta bed. She obviously knew that her constant meowing had ticked me off, cuz she stayed well out of reach until the food hit the bowl. I guess I could have nabbed her then, but that would have been rather unfair, don't you think?

In truth, I haven't seen my grandma since a couple of months before she died, a few years ago. I don't think it was all that nice that she ignored me like that, but then, she wasn't always the most friendly person either.� Besides, since it was my dream, I guess I kinda made her do it... ;)

Why would this come up now? What am I trying to tell myself? I actually had myself hoping that it meant that Sandra and I would cross paths sometime soon, that perhaps we'd talk, and I might be able to get answers to my twelve year old questions.

Two problems: 1. Why do I look forward to that which won't happen? 2. How pathetic that I've hung onto this...

The remainder of the day was already tainted. Remainder?? I hadn't even gotten out of the apartment yet... crap.

Tim Horton's finally opened up their new location a block away from work, and I had unwittingly routed myself to go right past it. Seeing all those happy, smiley faces chewing on doughnuts an' slurping down coffee just reinforced my crankiness - how dare these people be so damned jovial when I'm in a sour mood!

Three voice messages were waiting for me when I got to my desk. The very first one was tagged as 'urgent', and had been left on Friday at 4:36. If this issue was so urgent, why address it at the end of the last day of the week - before a long weekend, no less?! This obviously well-organized person (read: dumbass) wanted international power adapters, and wanted them today! There was a presentation being given to an international audience, and these people would need their laptops! This presentation had been planned for a month, and this woman is calling me.... now?! Well, these adapters were not the easiest thing to get at the snap of the fingers, but I'd see what I could do. "What countries are these people coming from," I asked. She didn't have a clue... fuck, sometimes people piss me off... let's face it - most times, people piss me off.

Now, I don't want you to think my whole day was just negativity... to steal a line from Swordfish - there was a small glimmer of light in the darkness that is my life. A woman that I work with is so funny... she very often draws out the vowel on the last word of a sentence - although only with people in a less-than-formal setting. "How are yoouuuu?" "I'm fiiiiine." "That's gooood..." hahah! Makes me laugh... "Have fuuun!" "I wiiiill! You toooo!" hahaha... oh, my sides!

...ahem... ...perhaps ya gotta be there... O_o

On my way home after work, I decided to use the +15 walkway (interconnected hallways and bridges on the second floor of many of the downtown buildings) to get home - I really had no desire to deal with the evil-ball-of-fire-in-the-sky, and the heat that comes with it. At one point, I glanced back while going through a doorway, and, not seeing anyone behind me, let the door go. It swung closed right in front of a guy carrying coffee in one hand and a couple of books in the other. I honestly hadn't seen him! He was already pushing the door open before I could react. I apologized for letting the door go, and he said it was okay... I still felt like a complete ass.

I don't have any clean large forks...

I've received a couple of pamphlets over the last week that I'd just love to post stuff about, but I think this rant is long enough for now.

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