Diskrepansi (diskrepansi) wrote,

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So amazing, it's the cat's ass!

I've never been a big fan of Weapons of Mass Destruction, unless, of course, I've been the one at the button. How often has this occurred, you ask? Well, truth be told - never. It's prob'ly better that way.

Strange, then, that I should find myself in a rather odd situation. I have to admit, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do.

As some of you know, and many of you don't, my mom gave us a kitten in December. His name is Dante. He's awfully cute - mostly black, with white whiskers, white patchy-socks, and a white "bra" and "panties". He's also awfully not-so-bright.

He does, however, love cinema and theatre. Here he is, re-enacting a scene from the Hercules cartoon series, where he is playing "The Mask":

What a fool...

Anyway, on with the story.

While I was getting ready for work today, Dante was running around, playing with his toys, terrorizing the other cat, hiding behind small objects where I couldn't possibly see him, and launching himself off of various pieces of furnature. I believe all of this was in preparation for some upcoming theatre production, but he really hasn't let the cat out of the bag on that one yet.

We have to leave one of our hallway closet doors open, as that is where the cats' bathroom is hidden away. As I passed by, I noticed a couple of bright, yellow eyes peering out from the dark cave that is their litter box.

"Aw, how cute," I thought. "He's leaving a deposit..."

I continued on my way to get a sweater from the bedroom, then headed back out to the living room to get my boots on. Before I even got halfway down the hall, I was suddenly hit with the most sickening and putrifying stench that I'd ever encountered!

"Oh holy Christ!! What the fuck is that?!" Thoughts of rotting corpses came to mind; I had visions of bubbling cesspools filled with dead and decaying bodies, while nauseous fumes filled my lungs. Such a smell, I thought, would be far preferrable to what I was currently experiencing. My vision began to blur; the hallway started shifting. I knew I had to get clear of this area, but my legs were already starting to get weak and wobbly. I suddenly found myself on my hands and knees, barely able to comprehend what was happening to me. I looked up from my near-prone position; through the haze, I could just barely make out the form of Monkey, our chinchilla, sitting on a perch in his cage a few feet away. As he stared at me with his large, rodent eyes, I heard a voice...

"I'm hungry, you bastard. Get over here and feed me!"

Only with such divine inspiration was I able to claw my way down the rest of the hallway and into the living room. Here the air was breathable again; my vision started returning to normal, and I could feel the tingling in my legs as their strength was slowly restored.

"What the hell was that," I wondered aloud. As if to reply, Dante strolled up, mewed, rubbed his cheek on my knee, looked me straight in the eye - I swear he was smiling - then sauntered away, his tail slowly waving through the air.

Dante's Ass Of PowerTM is truly a force to be reckoned with. I'm wondering how long until the apartment is broken into, and he is stolen by some group of fanatics with a desire to do large-scale harm upon the world. Do you doubt Dante's Ass Of PowerTM? If so, I have a small, mostly black feline, a litter box, and a small room with a door available, all with your name on it.

  • (no subject)

    Wow... haven't been here in a while.

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